I have been "around" depression all my life. As a child I was aware that my grandmother, mother and aunts were always "depressed". I put the quotes because they were never diagnosed except that the doctor told them they had "bad nerves". The obvious reason for these maladies was all the abuse that the male members meted out when they were drunk. Which was just about all the time. Enough time spent on them. Yeah I'm a little bitter but I'm better.

I was sexually abused by my uncle at the age of 14. I told no one and didn't get any therapy for years. I lived my teenage years and my early twenties trying to forget and to get as far away from my abusers as possible ending up in San Francisco. A place I still call home even though I live in Sacramento, CA.

The panic attacks started first. They came in my middle 20's. I tried self medicating using alcohol, downers and even marijuana (which only makes panic worse). I got some therapy that helped me deal with some of the abuse issues. The depression came on slowly for me. The panic finally had me house bound. I was using way too much alcohol combined with sedatives and I slide, without even knowing it, into major major depression.

The next ten years of my life were the worst. I was alive but I didn't live. I tried several half hearted attempts at suicide, which only made things worse. I became housebound being able to go out only when I was heavily sedated. Not a pretty site.

I laid on the couch staring at the television some of the time. Other times I spent hours pacing taking my pulse and knowing I was going to have a heart attack and die. I cared for no one especially myself, but felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.I cried buckets of tears over any and everything. Yet having no energy to do any thing about it. I think you get the picture, it wasn't pretty. If you are reading this you know the pure hell and agony of depression.

In my late 30's I found a book on agoraphobia and panic attacks and a light bulb went on. I started regular talk therapy and was prescribed prozac. Prozac really helped with my depression. At least I stopped crying because my clothes wore out. Seriously I'm thankful for the medications, they allowed me to to keep my head above water.

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